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Gibberish Dump of the Current state of mind

pic source: image generated from ai on text prompt, why am I not even surprised

REFLECTIONS of the MADNESS : Monologue 
Morning 4 am :

Increasingly as life is fleeting from my body, I feel like a white dwarf star, collapsing under the weight of her own thoughts, going deep inside continuously, completely detached from the reality and universal laws & practicalities of the natural world outside.

The world continues to disappoint, as I seek more within, the dependencies shudder my skin.. the growing thunderous noise of the calling from within is getting hard to ignore.

"I" need to be guided and yet i resist to surrender with faith

"I" want to control my destiny and yet i continue to disbelieve in miracles... And vice versa.

"I" see the Maaya and yet i refuse to detach from the Moh

Hopeless am I?
I am what, I am that ...
So then where am i?
Why am I even !

When I'm trying to be everywhere
I am nowhere
When The "I" dissolves into oblivion
I become omnipresent

Delusion Everywhere
Drowning in Mithya
Thrown off by Ego
Snatched by Attachments 
Uncountable explosions within
Living to Die
Where the hell is the heaven of truth

Edit : I didn't give up...I twitched n tossed in the pain the whole day, sat for mediation in the evening, and depleted soul came wandering back home looking to embrace me like a long lost child 

I'm the light as a particle now, I'll be light in waves after I'm gone merging with the final play of the cosmos, what do I have to worry then

This realisation brought to you by Fire (havan)

Have you ever felt peak depressions and sat near the fire and feel your bodh rising higher suddenly? It is because the fire(as in the molecules) is always vibrating at very High frequency, and basic 2nd law of thermodynamics states how energy flows from higher to lower. So I sucked the energy out of the blazes like a blood thirsty vampire sucking to stay alive ... One has to be greedy sometimes.

The inside contents of my skull has stopped dancing now, I'm singing them a lullaby...even if they don't sleep & continue their ghostly after party in the dreams, they will not bother my waking state now atleast.

Here's to surviving another day in this body, kudos to me.... Har Har Mahadev ! 


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