mourning the death of love

I have this vision, that I would finally come & find you. Scattered pieces of distance would not stand in my way. Not needing words; the barest of glimpses would suffice for you & me. (Sic, Kafka from letters to milena)

Life, I do not want to complain about you, or complain to you. I only want to say this : I'm still in love with you.

But I was a fool, enough ignorant to live one place. So now, in my heart, I feel orphan, homeless, as in a succession of shelters where I don't feel I belong at all. Never will.

Sometimes I look at you, like a poor child looks at a sweet shop full of treats, smelling and imagining all the goodness in the store but never able to quite savour the real experience.

This feeling of lack of unnecessary, for there is much love in the world, to give & recieve, to win& loose, to conquer & surrender to... But one doesn't want to try have all the people in the world, and still feel lonely without the one.

What a misery, a paradox, to feel lonely in this unwanted crowd, and keep loving them with all your bruised heart.

Wasn't I supposed to write about separation? But what if I feel departed & not separated. Like one in isolation.

Maybe this will end one day, the feeling. Maybe I'm waiting for the story to conclude. For only when it ends that one truly feels it all over again.

Comments

a dream and a letter from the future self arrived

When you are not impacted by the lack of an outcome, You become the outcome. So for your case... If you are not affected by the lack of love, You become love. The first thought that flooded my head at 7 after I woke up this Sunday morning...from a dream ...I saw Robin Williams said hi to me..He was smiling. Weird ..a hollywood actor? Hmm...I have been thinking about his sense of humor n personal life lately though...so that must be that. An Imagined Letter from My Future Self (2035) Dear Mimi, You won’t believe this, but I’m writing to you from the farmhouse. Yes, "that" one. The one you dreamed of since you were 12 ...after you got married & told your ex decades back ..in whispers with hesitation what you thought of ...what you wanted to do with sustainable farming with direct produce to consumers using a woman driven community farm even before these words became fashionable and that one, which was nestled in the foothills, where the breeze smells like jasmine and smoke ...

समवृत्ति ya तटस्थता (Equanimity vs Indifference)

समवृत्ति और तटस्थता। एक शब्दों में, इन दोनों का अर्थ समान हो सकता है - सब कुछ एक जैसा देखने की कला। एक शांत और स्थिर मन के साथ समवृत्ति और दूसरे में दुख और सुख से अछूता होने के रूप में तटस्थता। दोनों ही आपको आगे बढ़ने में मदद कर सकते हैं या आपको खड़ा कर सकते हैं, या फिर इनमें से एक हो जाएँगे और आपको फिर से शुरू करने के लिए तैयार करेंगे। Equanimity means staying calm and peaceful in all situations, without getting too caught up in the highs or sinking too low in the lows. Indifference means not caring at all. Here's a funny story to explain the difference: Imagine you're on a rollercoaster ride. Equanimity would mean enjoying the ride without screaming your lungs out or throwing up. Indifference would mean falling asleep and snoring through the whole thing. Another example: You're at a party and someone spills a drink on you. Equanimity would mean accepting it and finding a way to clean up without getting angry or upset. Indifference would mean not even noticing ...

Zooming in & out, Timing is Everything!

Ever feel like you're juggling two maps at once? One's a satellite view, all grand and sweeping; the other's a street map, crammed with tiny details. That's kinda like life, isn't it? There's the "cosmic" crowd, the ones who see life as a giant play, already scripted. We're just actors, following cues. Destiny, karma, the whole shebang...all about detachment. Like, "Yeah, I'm "in" this scene, but I'm not gonna get too attached to the props." It's a cool way to stay chill when life throws curveballs... So just " zoom-out ". Then there's the " zoom-in " folks. They're obsessed with the Now .... Every breath, every heartbeat, every fleeting thought. It's like they're on a perpetual nature hike, spotting the tiniest wildflowers. Nothing gets past them. This can lead to some serious zen moments, but hey, sometimes you just wanna binge-watch Netflix without analyzing your pop...

Talking from the Heart - Mine to Urs

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